Episode 352: Black Easter

Tag[]

Dan: On this episode we discuss Black Easter.

Stuart: When the title Assassin 33 A.D. wasn't cool enough.

Official Show Notes[]

Smalltember concludes with a doozy: Black Easter (previously titled Assassin 33 AD, in a slightly different edit) — the movie that dares ask “What if someone killed Jesus? …But not like, the people who ORIGINALLY killed Jesus. What if they were TIME TRAVELING MUSLIMS?”

Content warning for all sorts of islamophobic and religious stuff, but honestly, this movie is WAY too silly for much of it to land. Mostly it makes for some great Flop Housing.

The streaming LIVE SHOW is TONIGHT!!! — Tune in to watch us discuss the “classic” 1993 flop Super Mario Bros., do a few presentations, take a few questions, and other assorted nonsense! Tickets $10! [Wiki note: no longer available]

Movie Summary[]

Premise[]

When a billionaire gives a group of young scientists unlimited resources to study the science of matter transfer, the scientists unlock the secrets of time travel. But they soon find out that the project is backed by a militant extremist group, and the billionaire plans to go back in time and prove that Jesus never rose from the dead.

Final Judgments[]

“It is a very silly, silly bad movie that moves quickly and does all sorts of nutty things that I never expected to see in a movie.”
— Good-Bad Movie (Dan) @1:25:24

“It's very silly, very stupid, and it's a time travel movie about going back in time to kill Jesus. I mean, it's ridiculous. ”
— Good-Bad Movie (Stuart) @1:26:12

“It was just the right mix of taking itself seriously while also being total goofball”
— Good-Bad Movie (Elliott) @1:26:35

Better Than[]

"Better sound recording than Primer" (Elliott) @7:32

Episode Highlights[]

Tangents[]

Schlockbusters v. Schlockdependent @2:08
Continuum of Films with Christian Content @4:00
Andy the Talking Hedgehog @4:45
Mostly-fake Awards @5:45
"The Primer of Christian Time Travel Movies" @7:06
Noah's Riverboat Casino @9:32
Ram Speculation @12:04
The Actor Playing Jesus @14:40
The Five Stage of Grief @15:31
- "spoilers, the third stage is going back in time to kill God"
Chucky Dolls and Fritz Lang's M @16:05
The New Labrador Retriever Month @16:51
Sciency and the Jesus, the sitcom based on the leads @17:49
- The Big Bang Theory; Two and a Halfman
The Pitching Things Phase of the Show @19:08
Wire-tapping God @28:58
Rom the Space Knight and Moon Knight @29:58
Stuart's Sneaky Job Interviewer @30:43
Drowning Aquaman @34:01
Planet of the Apes Spoiler Warning @36:28
Embarrassment-Proof Leaders @38:06
Time-Change Laws @39:15
- Elliott didn't shoot a truck into space
Flop House Pro Tip: 10 minutes is never enough time @41:02
Rami Malek and Elliott's one hit wonder, I Never @43:17
Stuart's Reverse-Medusa curse @47:06
Waiting for your mom to pick you up @48:11
Jesus Christ Superstar @49:22
"Tomato is a New World Fruit" @51:59
Time Travelling Mary, Basketball Superstar @52:29
- Space Jam
- Mr Freeze
An Asimov Science Fiction short story Elliott mostly remembers @59:13
Resurrection Watch snack options @1:01:48
Elliott and Dan's Resurrection Stand-up Routine @1:03:30
Mastercard's Black Easter ad @1:06:00
Time-Travellers' Rave in Jesus's Tomb @1:06:35
The Greatest Moments of Elliott's Life @1:07:24

Tommy Wiseau's talk at Comic-Con
His Lord visiting him while he was dying
His children being born

CSI: Gethsemane @1:08:32
God believes in disproportionate response @1:15:03
The other Jim Carroll @1:26:55
Blame-Book @1:30:25
Protagonists Whose Name Isn't the Title @1:52:42
- Margaret -> Looking for Zelda -> Searching For Sugarman -> Mr Goodbar -> Stuart's Good Bar

Movie Pitches[]

Black Easter 2: Black Palm Sunday: "the sequel" (Elliott) @1:24:20

The Little Octopus: the little mermaid, but an octopus (Elliott) @9:54

Space Bud: "the labrador retriever that saved the world from those aliens when we renamed the calendar after him" "the sequel to airbud" (Dan to Elliott) @16:51

Product Pitches[]

The Chairorizor!: "The best way to move chairs without moving your physical body" (Elliott) @19:08; "Sounds scarier than it should!" (Stuart)

Chairy2000: "it does the same thing, it's just a cheaper version. But the '2000' makes it sound futuristic" (Dan) @20:08

an Animorphs book where Paul Reiser turns into a series of Risers: (Stuart) @20:27

Quotes[]

Elliott: I think that's Noah's arc: he briefly opens a riverboat casino, so — um, for the animals.

Stuart: You gotta have something to do, y'know?

Elliott: But the movie doesn't even interrupt a scene for this, it interrupts the opening credits for this. Ok, so—

Stuart: And you got an octopus, one of the octopuses is doing the roulette table 'cause it's got those long tentacles.

Elliott: Well that's the thing, Noah didn't really have a lot of sea creatures on the arc 'cause they could kind of handle themselves in the deluge.

Dan: That's true.

Elliott: It was really more the land animals he was trying to take care of.

Stuart: Yeah but the octopus wants to come up because it's fun!

Dan: Oh, yeah, he's a paying customer is what you're saying.

Elliott: He just works there.

Stuart: He wants to be where the people are.

Elliott: Yeah, he wants to be a part of their world, like in the movie the Little Octopus, yeah.

—@9:32

Elliott: Black Easter is full of these little cinematic Easter eggs, if you will.

Stuart: I won't.

—@16:31

Elliott: It looks like Peter the apostle cuts off part of Brandt's ear with a sword, and Brandt drops his gun and runs away. Is that what happened?

Dan: I think so.

Stuart: I mean, do not look at me.

Elliott: Okay.

Stuart: Ever.

Elliott: But you're so handsome!

Stuart: I know, that's my curse.

—@47:08

“Is that how Jesus dying saves us? Do we each get an individual time-travel salvation?”
—Dan @1:15:03

Dan: Well, let us move along to letters from listeners.

Elliott: Lettuce can't move along, it's just a vegetable.

Dan: Good point, well—

Stuart: Alex, delete that.

Elliott: Alex, do not delete that, thank you. Alex, can you submit that to the Nobel Prizes for jokes?

—@1:39:30

Elliot: The House Cat was a character that Stuart invented, but really just a sound effect. Where Stuart would say...

Stuart: Uhhh. Raa-roooowww!

Elliot: And we'd go, "oh, the House Cat's here!" and that was it. And we started getting letters about the sound effect and about the House Cat character.

Dan: It really captured the imagination of our listeners, which is why Stuart stopped doing it right away.

Stuart: [laughs]

Elliott: With our unerring instinct for self promotion, as soon as it became a breakout hit Stuart was like, "I don't want to do this." We stopped calling attention to it.

—@1:45:16

“I liked the horny parts; the twists were pretty silly”
—Dan @1:49:56

Sponsors[]

Squarespace @1:29:37
Storyblocks @1:33:05

Listener Mail[]

Mailbag Song[]

-None-

Letters[]

What bible story would you make a movie out of? from "Mason Gamble, star of Dennis the Menace the Movie" @1:40:05

Elijah the petty prophet
Jonah (Dan)
David and Goliath, but they're both sports teams (Stuart)
David and Goliath prequel. (Elliott)
A better Passover movie (Elliott)

Please explain the House Cat @1:44:31

Recommendations[]

Dr. Cyclops (1940) by Ernest B. Schoedsack (Dan) @1:46:47
The Voyeurs (2020) by Michael Mohan (Stuart) @1:48:20
Margaret (2011) by Kenneth Lonergan (Elliott) @1:50:16

Stinger[]

Stuart: We didn't even touch on, I think, one of my favourite scenes in the movie when Ram is like, "Ok. So, I'm going to show the terrorists the time travel thing, but when they're distracted I'm gonna run and use it real quick." And he like, tried to do it and they catch him immediately.

Elliott: That's right. Yeah, they just hold their arm out and he runs into it. There was a lot of good stuff in that — I mean, by good I mean bad, you know.

Post-Credits Scene[]

He's the Housecat

`Dan:`	On this episode we discuss Black Easter.
`Stuart:`	When the title Assassin 33 A.D. wasn't cool enough.

`Elliott:`	I think that's Noah's arc: he briefly opens a riverboat casino, so — um, for the animals.
`Stuart:`	You gotta have something to do, y'know?
`Elliott:`	But the movie doesn't even interrupt a scene for this, it interrupts the opening credits for this. Ok, so—
`Stuart:`	And you got an octopus, one of the octopuses is doing the roulette table 'cause it's got those long tentacles.
`Elliott:`	Well that's the thing, Noah didn't really have a lot of sea creatures on the arc 'cause they could kind of handle themselves in the deluge.
`Dan:`	That's true.
`Elliott:`	It was really more the land animals he was trying to take care of.
`Stuart:`	Yeah but the octopus wants to come up because it's fun!
`Dan:`	Oh, yeah, he's a paying customer is what you're saying.
`Elliott:`	He just works there.
`Stuart:`	He wants to be where the people are.
`Elliott:`	Yeah, he wants to be a part of their world, like in the movie the Little Octopus, yeah.

`Elliott:`	Black Easter is full of these little cinematic Easter eggs, if you will.
`Stuart:`	I won't.

`Elliott:`	It looks like Peter the apostle cuts off part of Brandt's ear with a sword, and Brandt drops his gun and runs away. Is that what happened?
`Dan:`	I think so.
`Stuart:`	I mean, do not look at me.
`Elliott:`	Okay.
`Stuart:`	Ever.
`Elliott:`	But you're so handsome!
`Stuart:`	I know, that's my curse.

`Dan:`	Well, let us move along to letters from listeners.
`Elliott:`	Lettuce can't move along, it's just a vegetable.
`Dan:`	Good point, well—
`Stuart:`	Alex, delete that.
`Elliott:`	Alex, do not delete that, thank you. Alex, can you submit that to the Nobel Prizes for jokes?

`Elliot:`	The House Cat was a character that Stuart invented, but really just a sound effect. Where Stuart would say...
`Stuart:`	Uhhh. Raa-roooowww!
`Elliot:`	And we'd go, "oh, the House Cat's here!" and that was it. And we started getting letters about the sound effect and about the House Cat character.
`Dan:`	It really captured the imagination of our listeners, which is why Stuart stopped doing it right away.
`Stuart:`	[laughs]
`Elliott:`	With our unerring instinct for self promotion, as soon as it became a breakout hit Stuart was like, "I don't want to do this." We stopped calling attention to it.

`Stuart:`	We didn't even touch on, I think, one of my favourite scenes in the movie when Ram is like, "Ok. So, I'm going to show the terrorists the time travel thing, but when they're distracted I'm gonna run and use it real quick." And he like, tried to do it and they catch him immediately.
`Elliott:`	That's right. Yeah, they just hold their arm out and he runs into it. There was a lot of good stuff in that — I mean, by good I mean bad, you know.