The Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. Distinguished Chair of History at The Flop House
- “I am a strange man with a lot of strange opinions about things.”
—Episode 190: Ouija @1:04:50
- “I am a strange man with a lot of strange opinions about things.”
Creator of the Sexenstein monster: a gorgeous man, with abs like a Ninja Turtle and no brain, used strictly for carnal pleasure (not Elliott's pleasure, someone else's pleasure... Elliott is just in it for the pure sex science).
His name sounds like "Melliott Ralan". Keeps the show on track, except when he doesn't. Once ate a bag of Doritos in the presence of a future President of the United States of America. Two time Emmy winner for his writing on The Daily Show, hosted by golfer John Daly.
Originally from Millburn, New Jersey, Elliott has a twin sister (mentioned on the podcast as being closer to Anne Hathaway when they were in high school, and in Episode 8: I Know Who Killed Me that she was a bigger lush while Elliott is a teetotaler) as well as a younger brother, David, who knows sports like Elliott knows old movies.
A walking encyclopedia of classic cinema. In fact, he is a Johnny Five-esque robot that was created specifically for classic cinema knowledge. (In this scenario, Dan is Ally Sheedy and Stuart is Fisher Stevens.) Would talk more about history, but Dan won't let him.
Amazingly, Elliott is married to an actual woman. He and this actual woman ('Danielle') have created two babies together. One named Sammy Lincoln Kalan and one named Gabe. The choice of the name Lincoln is presumably an homage to the prominent 19th century vampire hunter, who in all seriousness is generally recognized by historians as the greatest American vampire hunter who ever lived. Sammy's birth in January 2014 necessitated a brief leave of absence from the podcast, which Old Man McCoy was legally obliged to accommodate per the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993. (Dan and Elliott's coworker Hallie Haglund was selected to fill in.)
- “I don't have a child, but when I have a child someday: I could be a rock star astronaut who has a dinosaur that he rides to work, and I assume my son will still find me uncool. That's just what being a dad means.”
—Episode 23: Wild Hogs @17:00
- “When it's time for lunch, I sing like: Lunch time! Time to eat lunch..! And then when we get down to the lunchroom, I talk out loud my interior monologue about what I'm going to eat and what I'm not going to eat, like: Oh, lasagna! I'll take some of this. Doo-doo doo doo. Potatoes? No thanks, not today! Dah-dah dah-dah dah...”
—Episode 94: Conan the Barbarian @39:25
Hopes to one day professionally complain about everything like an old man, even when not an old man, on 60 Minutes.
Possible serial killer whose suspected victims include (but are not limited to):
- Andy Rooney
- Simon Fisher
- his wife's last lover
- someone who reportedly now writes for New Girl, but previously held Elliott's position at The Daily Show
Has a blue blanket that he takes everywhere for security. Wait, that's Linus from "Peanuts", not Elliott. Oh well.
Claims to be classy, but doesn't think that making Abraham Lincoln a vampire hunter equals fine littertur'.
When being replaced as a co-host, doesn't leave a celebrity-sized hole like Stuart does.
He remains, as always, Elliott Kalan...and he will always have one more Emmy than Dan.
- “When I was a kid, Boba Fett was my favorite Star Wars character.”
—Episode 30: Bangkok Dangerous @26:50
- Elliott worked at a Barnes & Noble® which is now a Trader Joe's®! (Episode 80: The Sorcerer's Apprentice @29:45)
- Has a delicate palate, and accordingly does not like flavor. "Bland it up, please! That's what I say." (Episode 80: The Sorcerer's Apprentice @1:40)
- He is also known to have a standing policy of categorically avoiding anything containing "cheese sauce."
- Dislikes avocado.
- Dislikes candy corn. (Episode 41: 12 Rounds)
- He is approximately half as tall as Sara Schaefer.
- When confronted about stories about possible stalkers, turns into The Lorax. (Episode 29: Step Up 2: The Streets @39:05)
- Poster child of Victims of Nerd-on-Nerd Violence (VoNoNV) (Episode 131: Marmaduke @27:10)
- Has a Bigfoot fetish.
- Possesses a "super strong" immune system, susceptible primarily to chipmunk diseases.
- Enjoys lists of words that sound like other words.
- Grew up in area code 201. (Episode 201: Vice @03:35)
- Owns a salad dressing company named Sugar Water (Episode 202: Burnt @01:18)
- The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944) by Preston Sturges
- A Night at the Opera (1935) by Sam Wood, Edmund Goulding
- Shadow of a Doubt (1943) by Alfred Hitchcock
- The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974) by Joseph Sargent
- — Episode 191: Men, Women & Children @1:12:20
- Martin Gardner (1960). The Annotated Alice: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll, Illustrated. New York: Bramhall House.
- Janet Malcolm (1990). The Journalist and the Murderer. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.
- G.K. Chesterton (1908). The Man Who Was Thursday. London: J. W. Arrowsmith.
- Robert Caro (1974). The Power Broker: Robert Moses and the Fall of New York. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.
- — Episode 191: Men, Women & Children @31:25
- R-O-C-K in the U-S-A!
- The Original Peaches!
- singing* We get letters, we get [blocked so we don't get sued]
- I don’t like it.
- "The Stallone's Disease/Rocket-Powered Sly Stallone Tangent" from Episode 133: Bullet to the Head
How He Eats Barbecue at Work
- Takes off his shirt in the office. But asks his officemate Hallie Haglund if it's okay first. He doesn't want to be a slob.
Things thrown at him by John Hodgman
Things stolen from him by John Hodgman
- Iron Man Action Figures
Things That Make Him Cry
- Dan and Stu's Pre-Show Fights
- The Iron Giant (Episode 115: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter @35:05)
- The Wizard of Oz (Episode 172: Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return @12:15)
- Elliott "Belliott" Kalan (work in progress)
- Elliot "Poop Pants" Kalan (Episode 188: Unfriended @1:14:24)
- Mo Rocca
- Winston Zeddemore
- Vincent Kartheiser
- Samm Levine
The World According to Elliott
- “I will not get my hair cut by a native-born American. They don't do as good a job.”
—Episode 12: Awake @17:15
- “You're never smarter than a knife.”
—Episode 85: Limitless @22:18
- “Why can't you accept that if you drink a smart guy's blood, you turn smart? That's why there are so many genius vampires!”
—Episode 85: Limitless @23:20
- “Everyone knows money does have inherent value—God said so in the Bible.”
—Episode 98: In Time @05:00
- “It's like you're just spitting on Steve Jobs's grave right now.”
—Episode 98: In Time @45:10
- “Here's the thing. People talk about how bad slippery slopes are all the time, but you know what a slippery slope is? A waterslide. Sounds awesome.”
—Episode 104: Atlas Shrugged: Part I @30:25
- “Abe, we're going to be late for the theater! [...] We're seeing Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre! You know, in the box! And John Wilkes Booth might stop by to put a bullet in your brain! And then you'll die! Okay, Abe? So hurry up!”
—Episode 115: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter @34:15
- “Would you like to play a game? You have to eat your way out of this enchilada in five minutes, or eat your own leg, señor.”
—Episode 117: Seeking Justice
- “I'm just saying: everyone should be like the dogs and just hump away, wherever.”
—Episode 131: Marmaduke @16:50
- “Mice don't live very long when they're solving mysteries and making powerful enemies.”
—Episode 133: Bullet to the Head @4:30
- “This is, without a doubt, the dumbest thing that's ever been said on this podcast.”
—Episode 133: Bullet to the Head @34:30
- “Boobs will appear in the most shocking of places, even on the chest of your best friend!”
—Episode 138: Foodfight! @35:05
- “Give me a plastic cup with milk in it from a space cow, Aunt Beru!”
—Episode 138: Foodfight! @43:05
- “When I was a boy, we had sex with women, not robots. What I'm saying is: Hand me that robot!”
—Episode 142: Getaway @29:15
- “You know, just 'cause I'm a shark who plays drums, doesn't mean I'm Jabberjaw. That's racist, to say that all sharks who play drums look alike!”
—Episode 145: R.I.P.D. @41:25